The 10 Worst Storylines In Video Games

Storylines in video games have a storied history. While we won’t be expecting anything in the scope of The Brothers Karamazov anytime soon, storytelling has actually gotten much better over the years. Shadow of the Colossus was a masterpiece of quiet narration and Quantum Dream’s new, Beyond: Two Souls practically looks like a movie with some quick time events thrown in to make it interactive. But it took a long time to get here, and back in the day, some plots were paper thin to make way for the main attraction, which was the action and adventure of the title. This list showcases some the weakest story-telling in ye olde gaming history. Because saving a frog is apparently worthy of going on an adventure into the depths of the earth.

10. Double Dragon

Okay, we’re going to start this list off with what very well be the greatest video game intro in history. A woman gets punched in the stomach, thrown over a shoulder, and taken off-screen. And while it’s brilliant in its simplicity—bad guy steal girlfriend. Me break bad guy’s face!—it’s also a pretty weak reason for a guy (And his brother!) to go off on adventure of beating up bad guys on the streets and in a cave to death. Hasn’t he ever heard of calling the police? No? Oh, ok, then carry on with your punching and jump kicks, fine sir.

9. Street Fighter II: The World Warrior

We get it. Nobody played Street Fighter II back in the day for its riveting plot. But when you compare its storyline to that of Mortal Kombat, well, it’s like comparing James Patterson to William Faulkner. It’s not even a contest, buddy. To our understanding, there is an evil group called Shadaloo, led by a nefarious overlord named, M. Bison. And how do you reach him? By fighting and winning matches in a bathroom (E. Honda’s stage), on the streets of China (Chun-Li’s stage), and in front of some drunk Russians (Zangief’s stage). Hmm…makes sense. We approve.

8. Shatterhand

Part Robocop, part every other dumb action movie in the 80s, Shatterhand basically tells the story of a cop who loses both of his arms and then gets new ones—Arms that are made out of metal. The fact that a story was even created (With a cool acronym called L.O.R.D.-Law and Order Regulatory Division) for this game is a testament that in the middle of the NES’s lifespan, it became necessary to have a storyline, no matter how useless it was.

7. Cheetahmen

Could this be a cautionary tale for all gamers sitting at home playing too many video games? Probably not. But the story goes as follows—the action gamemaster (The what?) was sitting at home playing video games one day when an arm reached out and pulled him into the TV. Hmmm…sounds legit. All of a sudden, these giant cheetahmen (Hence the title) are standing above the “action gamemaster” and they say they will protect him. It’s truly a compelling tale, about Cheetahmen. Well, why not?

6. Rampage

Remember how when you “die” in Rampage, you shrink into a naked man or woman and go slinking off the screen, covering yourself? Well, here’s why! George, Lizzie, and Ralph (The gorilla, the lizard, and the werewolf, respectively) weren’t always terrible beasts that knocked down buildings. Oh, no, they were once regular human beings who were experimented on by scientists at a facility called Scumlabs (Hey! That’s where we get our blood work done). Once transformed, they became menaces that had to be shot down to be stopped. Captivating! But did that story really need to be told? Well, yeah! Of course it did! Stop asking questions and knock down some buildings! What do you think this is? Shakespeare class?

5. Contra

Bill “Mad Dog” Rizer and Lance “Scorpion” Bean are sent on a mission to destroy the Red Falcon Organization so that they don’t take over the world. Okay, we’ll buy that…but wait, why are only TWO men sent on this globally important mission? And sometimes, it’s only one man if you don’t opt to play with a second buddy. Shouldn’t a whole army be sent out to take care of this mess? This is an example of too little information. Why even make up a story at all? Why not just call the characters player 1, and player 2? If you’re going to tell a story, Konami, at least try to make it make sense. Like, maybe this was a secret mission, or maybe the plane holding all of the other soldiers was shot down and Bill and Lance were the only two survivors. We don’t know, just SOMETHING more than that petty ass story. You weren’t even trying, Konami.

4. Battletoads and Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team

Don’t get us wrong. We ADORE this collabo. But the story behind it doesn’t make any sense, mainly because it’s asking us to suspend belief and acknowledge that the Battletoads somehow already knew Billy and Jimmy Lee before the game even started. So when the evil Dark Queen comes down to earth, the Toads naturally tell their manager (That’s what that weird bird creature is, right? Their manager) to contact Billy and Jimmy since they’re earth’s finest warriors. Well, if we’re really just throwing anybody into the Battletoads universe, then why not throw Superman in the mix as well? Wouldn’t HE be the best warrior earth has? Or what about the X-Men? Or Lebron James? Seriously. When did the Double Dragon boys become the earth’s mightiest warriors? That’s just cheating in the writing department. Tradewest made it far too easy.

3. Bad Dudes

“The president has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” Uh…are we? We thought we were before, but now that you’re actually asking us, we’re not so sure anymore. And that siren in the beginning is intimidating. We almost wet our shorts. Please lower it next time when you’re asking us if we’re bad enough dudes.

2. Blaster Master

After we have a seizure from the flashing lights on the title screen, we learn the heart-breaking story of a boy who needs to get a bigger jar, because his frog literally just jumps right out of it while he’s looking at it. What follows is the boy chasing the frog to a radioactive unit that makes the creature grow monstrously. It then jumps down a hole, the boy follows it, and he finds a vehicle. And…scene. We’re not really sure why the frog had to grow into a freak, but, we’re also not really sure why a boy would leap down a hole the size of China just to get said frog. Couldn’t he find another one just hopping around in the grass. It makes no sense. What the hell?

1. Super Mario Bros.

This game gets number one because it’s had the same plot since 1985 that it has today. The Princess (Back then known as Princess Toadstool and not Peach) gets kidnapped by a lizard named Bowser…and, well, that’s it. As a plumber, you have to go rescue her again, and again, and again. Because apparently, she likes being kidnapped (Where are her precautions?). For a world as bizarre as the Mushroom Kingdom, you’d think there be some more explanation to it that that, but nope, that’s it. It’s the classic damsel in distress story, and it’s also lazy, making it the weakest video game “story” in history. Your plot is in another castle.

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